December 13, 2020 Got bored and built a bad radio script
Unimportant Man Script #1
Forced Flatus Productions Presents… Sir Real Knight of the Knights Production
Act I
Narrator: Every story has a beginning, except this one, it just starts at some random point and leaves you, the listener, wondering wtf is going on.
UM: “I did not become the Man of Aluminum for nothing Molly.” says Unimportant Man with a look of determination on his face, “The world needs heroes and I am here to fill that void!”
Narrator: Unimportant Man is played tonight by Plass Tick.
Solomon: Cheering Crowd
Narrator: Tonight, Dr. Molly Kule is played by the lovely and charming Cindy Babaganuche, who sometimes works as a satellite dish washer. She blushes a little at the thought of what UM had just said, and because of possible younger viewers, we will not draw attention to the void comment again.
Solomon: Crowd Cheering
Molly: “But why Man of Aluminum? How did you end up with such a name?”
UM: “I thought about Man of Steel, but realized I have not enough money to take on the Comic Book Illuminati for that. Same with Iron Man, hell, there were issues with trying to be the Tin Man, stupid Good Witch Glenda…”
Narrator: His thought trailed off as a blank look crossed his face. (Side note here, this blank look becomes Unimportant Man’s best look. Just in case all you fans wanted to know some cool trivia).
UM: “I simply worked me way down the periodic table till I found a metal that didn’t have some legal issues around it.”
Molly: “That makes sense.”
Narrator: Molly nodded as she pulled a gerbil from the microwave,
Solomon: Beep Beep click
Molly: “As a scientist, I have researched the periodic table and found Aluminum is on it. I am sorry I questioned this UM.”
Narrator: Just then, a third explosion occurs just outside the window. Forced Flatus Productions, through the talents of Sir Real, Knight of the Knights, introduces Sound Effects Solomon. Solomon is a crack technician who’s sound effect abilities are world renowned and came at great expense.
Solomon: “boom”.
Narrator: it gives me chills to watch someone work with so much passion. Molly jumps up to the window, which is odd since this scene takes place in the centre of a football field, and looks out.
Molly: “Unimportant Man, I think you need to see this.”
UM: “Oh no, I’m not falling for that again. If I look I will be Rick Rolled!”
Narrator: UM smiled a slick little grin and proceeded to Frisbee throw bologna off into the distance.
Narrator: Tune in next week where we discover if there is any plot to this collection of words we just witnessed! Will we find out about the two other explosions? Can we be Rick Rolled as well as Unimportant man? Will Half Life 3 ever be released?
Act II
Commercial: The team of community minded people from San Nitty have gotten together to celebrate the 14th year of the pothole at the corner of Walk and Don’t walk. Yes, its hard to believe this pothole has been here that long. I remember when my eldest’s first day of school. She stood beside that pothole waiting for the bus. It was just about big enough to hide in it. Now, look how it’s grown over the years. Thankfully our city fathers (and mothers… parents I guess) have made it possible for this pothole to grow so large that a thriving tourist economy has developed around it. Our pothole is way better than that silly crack they have down town. Why look at a crack when you can visit our gaping hole!
This announcement has been brought to you by the group Saving Landmark Unity Team
Act III
Narrator: We now pause for station identification ***Sir Real here, Knight of the Knights, and we are proud to show you, our radio viewers, some of the best programming $4.50 has ever produced! It just goes to show you what happens if you save enough of those bread tags. But this high level of programming cannot be even conceived of, if it were not for the funding from our sponsors. For that we wish to thank the people at Mourning Wood Crematoriums where there slogan is ‘Smoking Hot Stiffs’. We are so thankful for their support to bring together such a crack team and offer you, the viewing audience, the best in radio programming.***
But there is so much more to this variety show! I know! Its hard to believe you get so much more than our hero’s adventures. I am excited to be more than just a narrator for Unimportant Man’s adventures, but I also get to bring you some of the finest news paper clipping ever assembled. That’s right, you are here just in time for another edition of “Found on page 13”
Commercial Voice: For Sale: One 1kg bag of oregano missing approx one gram. Asking $50 or best offer. Originally thought it was something else and was misinformed. Will consider trade for mushrooms. Will share soup if it turns out nice.
‘Holy crap people! That was unexpectedly unexpected. Can we actually afford to be able to bring such wonderful programming to our viewers!?! Where will this madness end? I can’t believe I am actually a part of this. Brings a tear to my eye…
Act IV
Narrator: While Sir Real composes himself, we still have programming to do. This is a 5 hour program and we are… ***The narrator places his hand upon the microphone and says ‘5 hours? We are barely 10 minutes into this and we got to cover 5 hours!?! *** We now turn to a nice little skit our helper put together. Let’s hear a round of applause to encourage him to be brave, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get him up here.”
Solomon: “Clap Clap Clap”
Narrator: thanks Sound Effects Solomon. And now a poem, by Dangling Chad…
Dangling Chad: Clears his throat…
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?”
Narrator: “Wait a second… something seems odd about this guy’s poem. Like I have heard it before. No, I am serious, I am sure I have heard this before. To think I paid for this… I want my Nickleback.
Act V
Commercial: Carpe Dium, castaways. Crazy Clem here for Crazy Clem’s Custom Character Cutouts. Is Covid causing company collectives to crash or otherwise combust into catastrophic calamity? Craving a cool course to convenient camouflage? Come cause confusion with Crazy Clem’s Custom Cutouts! While they look at your cutout, you can simply cut out. Remember, Crazy Clem’s Custom Character Cutouts. Convenient Carboard Castings. We continue to accept cash.
Act VI
Second part of UM story.
Narrator: Our episode starts with the death of a theatrical extra (tonight played by a theatrical extra)
Extra: “Oh no! I’ve been shot! I… I… I forgot to clear my browser history…”
Narrator: Thankfully that death has nothing to do with our story. Dreadful business, let that be a warning to you all, clear your history… but back to our episode where we last saw our heroes standing in a football field. Well they are now in a boat in the middle of Lake Salle de Bain (just go with it, the guy writing the story has no idea where this is going either).
UM: I know you are a super smart scientist type, but are you sure this is where we should talk about this?
Molly: Yes, it is the safest place, no one can hear us as we discuss our next move. We know your arch enemy, Sark Ann, has been up to no good. She has been gathering aluminum from all around the area and I fear she may have plans for you.
UM: Great siding, she is the most dangerous evil doer out there and she will stop at nothing to get the Man of Aluminum!
Molly: Yes, to every criminal out there, you are a danger. But to her, you are the payday. Now listen to me, we need to think. I have my super smart scientist brain, but you will have to use your Aluminum Foil Hat of Intellect to be able to understand some of the more important points.
UM slips on his trust foil hat .
Solomon: slip crinkle
UM: There, I am ready. I feel much more aware now. Tell me Doctor, what can we do against this evil attempt at my life?
Sark Ann: Holy crap! What is wrong with you people? Do you know how hard it is to keep up here? I was about to get you on the football field, but then… poof… on a boat in the middle of a lake. Anyways, I win! I now have the Aluminum Foil Hat of Intellect! As Sark Ann says this, she snatches the hat from Unimportant man.
Solomon: Snatch
Sark: Wait. The removal of your hat should have rendered you laying on the floor drooling a large puddle on the floor of this boat. What the hell is even that?
UM: We saw you at the football stadium, and moved to here to buy us some time to set up a trap. Using the super power of Common Sense, Dr. Kule deduced you may try to take the hat. But you have been fooled evil doer!
Molly: Yes, Ann, or should I call you Sark, the hat you stole was not aluminum but tin!
Sark: Curses! Foiled again!
Narrator: Holy crap! It seems our hero has outwitted the villain again! Sorry to sound shocked, but I really wasn’t ready for that. Excuse me while I go compose myself…
Replacement narrator #13: Hi there. Sorry to bother you, replacement Narrator #13, because the first 12 refused, here to finish for the Narrator. Tune in next week where our hero will share a public service announcement about chewing the Aluminum Foil Hat of Intelligence is not good. Especially if you have fillings… Tune in next week at the same Bat Time, on the same Bat Channel…
Sir Real: Wait, you can say that! That is a catch phrase for another hero. Besides, this is a story about the Unimportant Man, the Man of Aluminum. How does this even work?
#13: Aluminum bat… We now wrap up 5 hours worth of quality programming and hope everyone can have a safe trip home tonight. Be sure to thank our sponsors for tonight, the Saving Landmark Unity Team will accept anything slipped there way, and if you wish to appear like you were helping them, but hope to not actually be there, remember Crazy Clem’s Custom Character Cutouts. He has a plan that works, as long as its not raining. And now, one more word from our producer as we wrap up tonight’s show.
Sir Real: *off camera* 5 hours? We are lucky if we covered half an hour. I don’t know. Just play music to fill the rest. I think I will go get the root canal done now. It has to be less painful than what we just… Oh Hi folks. Great evening of entertainment. Be sure to tune in next time, we will have… something… for you.
Good Night
I Am D.Void of San Nitty
