♠♠♠ Bonus Material ♠♠♠ Chickens: A Brief History

♠♠♠ Tonight we have a wonderful treat for our viewers. This documentary of a Chicken New Year celebration gives insight into a culture very different from ours. They say if you want to know a chicken, walk a mile in it’s coop and don’t pick up your gum if you drop it… ♠♠♠

Gather around young chickens. We are about to leave one year and head into another. It is at these times that the eldest of all chickens speaks to the youngest of all chickens and shares with them our history. We chickens are a proud bunch. We were once nomads. Our forefathers would peck anything they could find and would spend much time searching new food sources and places to lay eggs. Now you younger chicks will not see the humour in it, but the older you get, the more you know how much eggs love to get laid. Oddly, most of chicken history is centred around eggs getting laid.

As times moved on, and chickens got civilized, we found ourselves gathering into places where it was easier for the eggs to get laid. These gathering places became more and more advanced. First, there were just open spaces and tufts of grass to conceal the nasty act of eggs getting laid. We all know it happens, but it is a difficult subject for Chickens to speak of. We, as a species, need to come out of our shells and stop yolking about such things. It was obvious the grass was not what it was cracked up to be. Our ancient leaders scrambled for a plan. When they devised building a Chicken Coop, things were over easy. This was the golden age of chickens. We nested in the coop and others of our kind came to roost.

With the crowning achievement of Coop as a shining light to the future, our people were so excited to know what all of our ancestors had done for the eggs of our community. Many other nations of San Nitty looked upon us as leaders in the world, and our scientific community would bring about some of histories greatest advancements. It was a Chicken Scientist that was the first to get to the other side of the Mobius Road. There was the rebel rocker, Moe Hawk, who was the lead piano pecker for the Band called The Chicken Pox. His flamboyant outfits lead to a world full of comb styled hairdo’s named after him, and we all remember Clax and what he did for all chicken kind in video games. But our utopia was about to be shattered. ***sound of impending DOOM***

It was the early 2000’s and the world had just survived y2k and felt good. But everyone knows people can’t stand feeling safe, so the world’s best minds were working up the next big scare, 2012. Yes, these were the days before the government realized they could use conspiracy theories to their advantage. War had broken out between Moosalini and a town in Saskatchewan. The world’s economies were restructured so that industries could make their war machines. As chickens, we stayed out of the war, but found ways to improve Coop conditions.

This lead to a golden age for Chickens and we found safety in the coop. Things were going so well for us, but in the land of Gerbil, the people there were being displaced. Our brothers the Gerbils told us that we could not understand since we have it too easy with a coop. Chickens had worked for thousands of years, to build a safe place for the eggs to get laid, made us unaware that others did not have the same luxuries. Our society was so blind, we didn’t see how we ignored the Gerbils and their egg laying. Our science was outdated as we believed back then that Chickens lay eggs, and gerbils do not. But the Gerbil science was more advanced and became more accepted. Soon Gerbil and Chicken scientists and leaders worked together, but the science hit brick walls.

Due to the war in Nipawin between Moose and the armies of that town. The Gerbils were forced to abandon their homeland. Gerbil delegates told our leaders of the mistreatment of Gerbils by both the Moose Homeland, and the People of Nipawin. It seems Neither Moose nor town’s people wished to accept the Gerbil refugees. It was likely due to Gerbil science being too advanced for Moose or human technology and they were ridiculed for their egg theories. After learning of the hardships faced by our learned brothers, the Gerbil refugees were brought into the coop to further the knowledge of Chicken kind.

At that time, female chickens (Hens) were totally responsible for eggs laying. Not just a large amount like 90% but all of them. 100% of eggs were being laid by hens. Armed with these facts, Gerbils and male chickens (Cocks or Roosters) and asked the government why they had been excluded in these matters? Protests arose and then there was that ugly day in history where those who were fighting for equality, met with opposition. That day, many Cocks were tugged out of the protest. They stood proud, but many were simply cut off. Thankfully, the protests seem to die off and people celebrated the opening of a new Klucky Burger.

Science advanced and we soon learned that the economy would be far better if Gerbils and Cocks would also contribute to egg laying. It is a fact that eggs from one source is foolish, eggs from many sources shows intelligence. How did our society end up with Hens producing 100% of eggs? This sort of chicken entitlement had been the cause. We had become so entrenched in our beliefs, that we didn’t even give others a chance. Our society had been built with Hens being the soul provider of eggs.

A representative from the Gerbil lobby started preaching a new way. His name was Joseph Gerbils, and he wanted things to be fair. The treat everyone equally. To make sure this preferential treatment stopped, certain terms were to be outlawed. To encourage those who had been told they can’t lay eggs. J. Gerbils coined an all inclusive term drawing from both cultures. Since chicken science had made super advancements the term Super was taken to represent those contributions. The addition of Gerbils has strengthened our society. Logic dictated the we would now all be called Super Gerbils. That was one of the first steps we made to become enlightened. To promote this unified term, the use of chicken is strictly prohibited and from that day forward chicken is the new C-word. Actually, this was never passed as a law, every Super Gerbil simply followed this and ensured anyone who was not inclusive was immediately shamed for being so closed minded. All Super Gerbils would not tolerate any intolerance.

One of the next things that needed to be addressed was getting more Gerbils and Roosters into the nesting areas. They had been excluded for too long and a movement to balance the imbalances. With Joseph Gerbils as representative, the Gerbils Cocks Party of the Coop was formed and our peoples were ready for equality. The new party was elected in to form a government with the backing of 98% of all votes. The old Chickens Roost Party, was only able to get 45% of the vote. Several Super Gerbils noted some irregularities in vote tabulation and requested an immediate recount and explanation to several questions. The new government was set to address any issues but first, the victory of the movement caused a new Klucky Burger to be opened. So happy were all that the irregularities were dropped and likely were the cause of the Chickens Roost Party ballot bow stuffing.

This, my young Super Gerbils is the true beginning of the greatest moments of Coop history. It didn’t take long and 80% of the egg production was being done by Gerbils. Many of the roosters that had started in this movement had been found to be too inflexible and were being phased out of the decision making process. Their constant requests for positions in the new government showed their entitled true selves. They became difficult and inflexible when they were found to not be producing any eggs. They refused to follow the direction of the Egg Ministry to start laying eggs and become a useful part of the New Coop. Thankfully, these problems were peacefully dealt with in a manner becoming of proper Super Gerbils. Things were so prosperous that year, two new Klucky Burgers were built.

Now, not all things were perfect in the new system, there was a small group of hens that were complaining that out of the Super Gerbils assigned to laying eggs, 100% of the eggs seemed to be being produced by only 20% of the work force. About 80% of the Super Gerbils were not doing their part. The feeling that all egg production was being done by hens, and that the gerbils were doing nothing but still reaping the benefits. Young ones, I have never been so ashamed of being a C-word. That such divisive beliefs still existed showed we were not as advanced as we had once claimed to be.

It was obvious that there was an ugly form of bigotry still brewing deep in the old ruling class. They preached a doctrine of hens being the only ones that could lay eggs. That roosters were there to aid the hens in the process and that gerbils were simply not able to lay eggs. They were biologically incapable of eggs production. As I said, I felt shame. To think that any Super Gerbil would be so blind as to go against the science. How foolish can any of us be? The followers of this movement claimed to have secret knowledge that was in opposition to science. The Henneroost, as they called themselves, could be found everywhere. Groups of them were popping up all over the coop.

With their preaching of hens laying eggs, and their discussions about how Gerbil Equality is hardly equal, built a divide in all Super Gerbils. Joseph Gerbils, now Prime Minister of the Coop, showed wisdom in his leadership and determined that this cancer had spread too far. He found the very best of the best, and made a team to search out the dissidents and correct the foolishness before others could hear. J.Gerbils knew a lie told often enough can become a truth, and he knew something drastic had to be done to stop the hatred. He passed several laws that made Henneroost beliefs hate crimes. The Henneroosts were sought out, and when located, sent to be properly educated to proper scientific principals. So deep was these dark beliefs, that 75% of the population had fallen prey to the deceit. The worst offenders were the hens claiming they were responsible to every egg laid in the coop. Even with overwhelming proof that 80% of the egg laying team were gerbils. I remember watching the television seeing the Henneroosts screaming of being treated like slaves and second classed citizens. It was obvious they were delusional as the only people to have ever been treated poorly were the Gerbils of our society.

I remember when culture taxes started. Yes, i was concerned about the money and thought it may be a waste, but it didn’t take long to see that the program was very helpful. The ad campaign showing the proper way a Super Gerbil should act, how they should speak, who they should associate with and how to weed out those that go against a progressive and inclusive society. It was simple, be a model Super Gerbil and life was good! But the Henneroosts just continued to scream they were right, and were were all being deceived.

That was a hard time for any of us who looked like those causing the problems. I would have to go passed the SG troops and show my documents and papers letting them know I was not like those Henneroosts. I didn’t know that the Henneroost movement would lead to our ultimate disgrace. J.Gerbils did everything he could to keep the masses happy through this dark time. He ensured Klucky Burger franchises were everywhere. But the old ways were becoming things we wanted to distance ourselves from and even our beloved fast food chain was feeling the effects. A restructuring of corporate values to mirror the good things in our society occurred. Such a success was the move that, for a brief period of time, the restaurant was keeping out economy going, as egg production was being disrupted by, you guessed it, the Henneroost movement.

With the severe polarization of our entire society, the Hens claiming to be responsible for all egg production, and that all the other in the nests were simply playing the system. It all came to a terrible loggerhead the day the of the Illegal Egg Strike. (not to be mixed up with the Ill Eagle Egg Strike that occurred about the same time). J. Gerbils had proven he was very tolerant, but this display of hate showed that the hens did not care anything about our society. To “prove” their point, Henneroosts brought forth documents to show all egg production went to 0% once the strike began. Their claims were that the workforce was a farce and eggs production would stop until the Henneroost demands were met.

The entire Coop stopped to listen to the address Joseph Gerbils made on the state television that night. His words still ring in my mind… ‘we, the good and noble citizens of the coop have been tolerant too long. The hate speeches being spewed forth by these hateful and intolerant Henneroosts has to come to an end. The claims that eggs production has stopped because the hens are on strike is a joke. You have heard Dr. Tim Tan tell you over and over how the Flatus 19 has slowed egg production and that rebels from the Henneroost movement have been using the confusion caused by this, to make egg production stop. I personally will not listen to the ramblings of a tiny sect of religious fanatics any longer. If the Henneroosts continue to be a voice of division to our great Coop, then I have no choice but to install more drastic measures. It causes me great pain to make this decree, but all Henneroosts beliefs are now outlawed for the sake of all good citizens. Effective immediately, all followers of Henneroostian beliefs are to be arrested and charged with treason. If found guilty, the offender will be stripped of their right to be a citizen and given the choice of exile or death. This great coop has been founded on the beliefs of equality and freedom for all it’s citizens, and to keep that safe, the false teaching of Henneroosts will be wiped out.’

Our Great Leader had to make hard choices and, because he was sent directly from heaven above, we knew that they were the right choices. But it became obvious to all that almost every Henneroost was a chicken (sorry c-word). The Super Gerbil troops were not able to tell the good c-words from the rebels. The good C-words knew sacrifices were needed to be made to finally kill this hate from destroying our entire way of life. On that day we C-words that were not Henneroosts, chose exile to make amends for the way Gerbils in our society were treated.

So, as the oldest of all C-words, it is my honour and duty to tell you young chicks of the history of our great society. All good C-words will be allowed back into the Coop once they have eradicated all Henneroosts from spreading their toxic beliefs. The Great Leader J.Gerbils has promised that we are showing all Super Gerbils we are not Henneroosts. That we are very different from such lower classed people. As good Super Gerbils, we still pay taxes to our homeland. All eggs we produce out here are sent to keep the Coop Economy rolling. When we find the hateful beliefs showing up in our ranks, the people are taken to the Coop to be shown The Way. Now it has been said that our brothers and sisters sent to be better citizens, simply disappear. But I personally have spoken to J.Gerbils and he has advised our program to help the lost re-enter our enlightened society, can be a great success. I was advised that the idea has really helped boost sales in the local restaurants. We are so lucky to have a progressive leader for our people.

Our pride is how we seen by the world. We hold our selves to pretty high standards. We will not tolerate intolerance. Unless we are willing to make the sacrifices to stomp out the hate, it will always be present. Our school system has developed scientists that continuously prove how we are the greatest Coop in the world. We are so progressive, other nations are now starting to become jealous of our ways and trying to oppose others from learning our advancements. But all Super Gerbils know we have distilled hate from our society and are now the perfect system. And as Joseph Gerbils says, we need to help the world to proper enlightenment. Nothing should stop the proper and ethical treatment of all. With that, I wish all a Happy Getting Laid Year.

Henry Shellington, spiritual leader of all C-words and former host of the comedy night club Yolk Yolks.